Transparent

I was running around trying to be ready on time to leave for the youth retreat yesterday (Friday) and something interrupted my busy-ness.
 
To my pleasant surprise, I had a package waiting.  I love getting packages in the mail.  This one arrived  much sooner than I’d anticipated.  It was a box of 6 music albums I ordered online.  The album I’d been anticipating most of all was Hangnail’s Transparent.  It’s obvious what kind of message is in store, with an opening track bearing the title “Survey of Self.”  I grabbed the box of CD’s and took it with me as I headed to…
 
…Passion4Purity (Passion For Purity) Summer Refuge ’04!  P4P is a youth group I attend, and I’d been looking forward to these 2 days up in rural Mississippi.  A chance to get away from my job for a couple days, to be strengthened by other people my age, and to just re-focus spiritually.
 
The name of this new CD that I’m enamored with became a theme of sorts for the retreat.  Spontaneously, the Holy Spirit moved in a way I cannot even fitly compose…transparency.  Learning to be real with each other.
 
It was great from the start as we got up to this scenic bunkhouse on a lake.  Came with a kitchen and huge meeting room.  Rustic…nice touch.  Out in “the country”…with no distractions.  No nearby interstates with cars rushing past or horn-honking.  Just nature, impeded only by the view of the couple buildings at this little out-of-the-way retreat center.
 
The first evening can be best summed up as…intense.  Strangely enough, there were only 15-20 of us on this retreat.  We’d planned on three times that many from the town of Slidell…but God wanted this one small apparently for a special reason we’d soon become aware of.  Intimacy.
 
After an intense period of worship and some teaching, we gathered into a prayer circle.  After several others prayed, I opened my mouth starting to mouth a nondescript prayer.
 
But then it poured out.
 
The words of a Bleach song sum it up well.  The name of the song is “Tired Heart,” and it opens with a melancholy, toned-down, steel guitar riff and then plods softly into the line “I haven’t felt good in months.”  That’s how I’ve felt.  The passion I had for God doesn’t seem the same.  I’ve struggled with nervous/anxiety since late February for no apparent reason.
 
Before long, in this circle of dear, dear friends…I found myself rambling.  I just poured my heart out to God and was talking a mile a minute…until I slowed down to realize.  I prayed out loud, “I’m sorry Holy Spirit.  I haven’t rambled like this for much too long…have I?  I’m so sorry.  I haven’t been transparent.  I haven’t been real with you or those I know. I’m sorry, Lord.  I’m so sorry…”
 
And the tears began to pour.  I don’t often cry…but strangely enough, I was not embarrassed to just cry before these people.  They were bitter tears.  I knew in that moment that God just wanted to hear me.  He had been wanting me to ramble to Him about my feelings.  He had been wanting for me to just weep.  He wanted me to weep not to condemn me…but so that I could be comforted.
 
God’s Spirit must’ve been strong…I had every intention of not letting anyone know the internal struggle.  Of just kidding and goofing around on this retreat.  The opening tones proved me wrong. 
 
By the time supper was over and we gathered back for a candlelight worship service in a rustic meeting room, everyone was focused.  We’d all determined earlier that this retreat…was going to be different.  We were going to be real with each other…and real with God.
 
Dear reader, I cannot tell you how strong God’s presence was last night.  I cannot accurately compose the peace that surpasses natural understanding.  My vocabulary fails me for a way to express how every face there was lit up with a desperate look of urgency in seeking God.  The teaching was on true worship…our lifestyles.  Collectively, as the word and worship ended, we agreed that everyone in the room had been going through a “dry spell”.
 
Each person in a semicircle of chairs took a turn being transparent.  Each of us came clean and confessed before others what we needed God to deliver us from.  I was ready this time.
 
Reader, what you probably don’t know about me is my struggle, my inner conflict.  People have complimented me a lot the fast few years.  Academically, etc.  But mainly, such things as “Josh, you are such an encouragement to me”…awesome young man of God and several other things that I’ve lately considered piles of *crap*.  You see, I feel like the author of a song named “King or Cripple.”  He declared the meaning behind the song.  People were complimenting him, telling him how God was using him, but he knew in his heart that he wasn’t where he should’ve been.
 
That’s how it’s been with the  people in this youth group.  Somehow people have been encouraged by me…but I don’t understand.  Because for most of 2004 I’ve had a sudden onset of a battle with low self esteem and generally being down on myself.  And I’d been concerned…”what will people think of me now if I confess this stuff?”  Well.  Tonight I confessed all that came to mind that God has been dealing with me over:  pride, anger, insubmission to authority, self-condemnation, fear, anxiety, nervousness, lack of passion for Jesus, and other stuff.  I’m concerned about my future.  I’m concerned about when I leave for college…will I still seek God…or will I abandon the faith laid as a foundation for almost 18 years now.  I just poured it out.
 
After that, we separated into groups of the males and the females.  I have never ever ever…in my entire life…seen such honesty amongst a group of young Christian guys.  To honor the privacy of the content revealed, I will simply say things were confessed there…it took great courage to confess.  And we lifted each other up in prayer. 
 
After this serious evening of transparency, at 1 a.m. there was one thing left to do.  Brush your teeth and…
 
…Stay up for 3 more hours to have pillowfights, “puppet shows” and really weird conversations, and lots of junk food.
 
I’m writing this on less than 4 hours of sleep..
 
Breakfast was delicious the next morning.  There was another morning session, then lunch.
 
But before lunch, me and a couple guys grabbed a boat and decided to take it onto the lake.  The thing was there were no oars.  I don’t know what we thinking (or not thinking) to launch the boat without anything capable of rowing.  The concrete boards proved capable of only spinning us in circles eventually to knock us back against the shore.  What followed was both mayhem and extreme fun.  A couple of tree branches became makeshift oars as we dug into the water and crossed the small lake singing gospel hymns about “going to the other side”, “going on in Jesus’ name” …and in general having weird dude conversations.  What’s a weird dude conversation you may ask?  I don’t know, I guess I just coined a new phrase.  Just think about it.  It makes sense.  If you’re a guy, you probably know what weird dude conversations are.
 
When we reached the “other side,” we had actually encountered a swamp.  The biggest toad any of us had ever seen leapt into the water.  With its legs extended, it was easily 2 feet long, and the thickness of the body was about as big as the top of a small person’s head.  Now, we already realized that there was a resident gator (alligator) in this pond…and we figured that if the swamp we now faced grew toads that big…it might grow a hungry mama gator similarly big.  So we high-tailed it out.
 
I went back for another boating outing later on…this time I was with all girls…and you know what?  Okay, you women are about to get a victory.  While there wasn’t as much power available in terms of rowing, we seemed to stay on course a bit better.  Okay, stop chuckling, you’ve had your fun.
 
After much exploring, another afternoon session ending in some SERIOUS intercession (including spiritual warfare against abortion) and personal prayer for everyone there…we cleaned up and left.
 
I almost feel like I left a piece of myself there in Mississippi.  I felt like I was awakened…awakened in spirit soul and body.  My spirit had interacted with the other people there and felt God’s touch again.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle going to college and not having my friends to hang with anymore…
 
…but I know this much now.  God knows…what I don’t know.  And I’m going to be transparent.  If we’re not going to be real about serving God, there’s no point in serving at all.  All I can tell you is that there is hope.  There really is hope.
 
If you’re feeling inexplicably depressed, anxious, tense, angry…there is hope.  It’s called a season.  It will soon pass.  You know what?  When I come out of this season of dryness in my walk with God…
 
…I believe I’m going to be more in love with Jesus than I’ve ever been.
 
…who knows.  I may finally lose it for good.  I may finally attain the status of Jesus freak.  That’s what I’m hoping for.
 
…if we lose our ability to hope…what hope is there?  So if you’re feeling down, don’t shut down just yet.  Hang on, my fellow young Christians.  We’re going to make some mistakes in living for God.  But I’d rather fall flat on my face trying…than staying in a safe zone and dying.
 
I’ll stop rambling to let you know that…if you’re feeling blue, ramble to God.  He wants to hear what you have a good ramble.  And afterward, he wants to dry the tears you’ve cried and give you a new insight on life, a new reason to live…
 
…and show you all over again the beauty of this new way to be human.
 
Loved by God
And
Love
And
Waiting on True Love,
Josh