>me

Greater than me. The theme of The Uprising, which ended last night. I already did a couple of audio blog posts from when I was at the Uprising, so I'm not going to summarize or anything, but rather, give a list of some notes and writings I took while there.

Some tasty bits from Alicia Chole's message about suffering

• This generation (young) must be more concerned with whom they are following than where they are going.
• There's something about sharing in Christ's suffering that purifies power we possess.
• The mantle of Jesus is being handed to this generation, and it is a mantle woven with threads of suffering.
• In the scripture John 14:31, Jesus says, "Arise, let us go from here." In the Greek, that word "arise" has the connotation of a transition. Specifically, in this verse, a change of direction is indicated. God is telling his disciples "get up! let's get going!" Now, where is he telling his disciples to go? If you look a couple chapters ahead, it is the way of suffering. The way of the cross. Jesus is calling to our generation, telling us He must take us the way of suffering so we can be valuable to Him.
• As mapped out in John 18, places Jesus went (and we shall have to go..the road of suffering): 1. A co-worker's betrayal (Judas) 2. Restricted freedom 3. A friend's failure (Simon Peter) 4. Injustice 5. Physical emotional suffering 6. Rejection 7. THE CROSS.
• Jesus knew that great fruitfulness came out of great sacrifice.
• Jesus was confident that man was neither the author nor director of life.
• Jesus chose to let pain inspire, as opposed to intimidate, generosity. The more he hurt, the more he gave.
• Pain is either the opportunity to centralize or be emptied of one's self.
• Jesus placed every moment of His life--pleasant or painful--into the context of a Bigger Picture.
• To say we love Christ and not love those He died for is a mockery of God.
• Jesus did NOT die to afford us an opportunity to be offended by suffering.
• PUNCHLINE: To walk with Jesus is to walk His suffering. The real treasure in this life is not the scenery, but the Company.

"Pain"
Written during a time of prayer.

Oh I've seen the world
This old tired earth
I've heard children singing as they play
I've seen children die at birth

Oh I've seen the world
A moment we're part of
I've slowly become one with its futility
And I've grown ever numb

Oh I've seen the world
A mosaic coloured with
The hues of blood red skies
The pale tint of dreams that die
I'm left on the shore of beached and breached promises
And I stand here and I ask you why

What have I poured myself into?
What have you?

I don't like this place
Where is Your face
Keep my eyes to the skies
Before I forget grace

Food for thought

This is no writing. It is that Scott Martin in the final session challenged everyone in the room to give a year of their lives in missionary service to God. Not only do I think God wants me to do that...pieces of the puzzle of my life are starting to fit together. I'm starting to wonder if I'm not called to missions as a career. The concept always pricked me when I was younger, but I never expressed it. My parents and I talked. All I know is I'm going for a Business Mgmt. degree, I'll graduate, and God knows what happens from there.

It's up to this generation to work. What will be said of our generation? That we had great youth groups and attended great conferences? To quote the apostle Paul, "God forbid."

Talking to God with a paper and pen...

The words come with no feeling. The feeling arrives but there's no passion. I arrive to find I feel no passion in my words.

So here I am. But what good is that to You?
What good is a man torn in two?

I'm not sure I like being me.
I'm not sure I'll winter the next storm.
I'm not sure about who I am.
How could I be sure of who You are?

After all You've done for me, can I give you no more...
No more than aches and pains
Bruises and scars
Proof of my many failures
and my divided heart

I'd run if I knew where
I'd sing to You, but for this toxic air

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

Where do I go from here? Where does a man go to erase his greatest fear?

Okay, alright.
Hold on.
Help.
That's all.
Just help me.

For heaven over me is a concrete slab.
My prayers fall back down...
Looks like I need your Spirit to help me overcome gravity.

Jesus, if nothing else...

hold me.
Let me know I'll be with You forever.
Tell me about the way this all ends.
Remind me please.

Somebody sing a song about happiness.
Wait, never mind.
God, just endow me with gladness.
Forgive me for my angry thoughts.
I'm sorry.
Turn my pain into a love song.

A final writing, written during a worship segment. I suddenly felt detached from the whole worshipy scene thing and looked around me...

I look out across the rolling sea
Hands, faces, hearts aglow.
In my single, solitary place...
What do I look like as You look down?
Sometimes I feel as if I
I just want to be moved again,
moved again.
Sometimes I know...
I should be on the move again.
And everyone around me is moving.
They go...
I know not where.
Perhaps I sit here in the quiet
Just because I'm waiting for Your arrival.
Oh, I could try and run after You.
But...
Which way would I run?
I can't go cause I see them go.
I can't sing cause I hear them sing.
Are You singing, are You going?
I'm afraid.
Afraid.
Afraid to be moved deeply any more.
Any more being deeply moved,...
And I might be deeply let down.
I'm so sorry.
Really.

I just can't do it again.
How can I?
How can I?
I'm not running through motions...
Where and when comes Your voice?
Until I hear it I am silenced by sorrow.
...
...
...
How can I not give You glory?
How can I not give You glory?
How can I not give You glory?
Love makes me do things
Myself could never let me do
Where do I go from here.
Into You.
Where else.