The Last of the Iseultians

Here's a story I wrote. This is about 3-4 hours of writing. It started off as a little paragraph for fun...but I really got into it.

Aedan, born of fire, gazed into the misty pool below. His coat of mail with gleaming metal shown in the bluish grey reflection. The night was calm and still, but unyieldingly discomforting. The air felt dead and still; not even the hint of a breeze could be discerned in this vast and open space. The ghoulish moon Ruari, in the South, and Murtagh, in the west, shown with their yellow-greenish stare all over this forsaken part of the world. Aedan had always heard tell of the Ruari, the pale moon that was only visible in the Vanishing Lands of the southern pole of the world. A chill went through his thickening blood as he thought of how far he was from his home in the land of Odhranian Lands in the North.

Odhrania was a difficult land to describe to one foreign to its graces. It was a rolling land full of moors and plains, everything green as far as the eye could see. The red-orange warmth of the sun never ceased to bask the land in a pristine eagerness. It was almost anxious, that land, and like a child unable to sit still and listen to the admonitions of the elders. Everything about it pulsated and breathed. It was there that Aedan, born of fire, had been raised. He was an adopted child, said to be the last of the Iseultians. Odhrania was the last dwelling place of the peaceful humans. Fiercer men roamed the rest of the wilder parts of the world, but Odhranians were hidden from the cruelty of the rest of the fallen world. They lived in a magical valley that had been the last of the gifts from the Beneficent. Tales of the Beneficent were the Odhranians’ favorite sort. Though none lived who could remember the Beneficent, everyone had theories about who and of what sort of creature she had been. The Beneficent was a dwarflike, two-faced creature with lilac-colored hair that wrapped her entire body. One face breathed a fragrant scent, which had been believed to be the creative force that formed the pristine valley of Odhrania. The other face spoke in a heavenly language that had not been uttered since the Age of the Utmost, near the dawning of the world, when the Council of Eight had chanted the world into existence. The Odhranians tried to translate the words of the Beneficent into their native language, but all attempts had failed.

Of course, after creating that wonderful valley, that cradling life force for the people of Odhrania, the Beneficent had vanished. Yes, she had been of diminutive stature, but she always loved to parade through the villages breathing her fragrant, life-giving scent that kept the valley young and beautiful. After centuries of living amongst the humans in Odhrania, her presence suddenly vanished. The valley began to get old and the warmth of the sun turned to burning heat. The Odhranians began to metamorphose back into exactly that which they had salvaged themselves from: they became more warlike. In the Dark Times, when the strength and wisdom of men failed and the demon-like race of the Baezha had discovered the Light of Etouha, then had the world become scalded with the grip of evil. Evil, first personified by the Seventh of the Council of Eight, who stole one of the fiery rings of the Land Beyond the Sun and his heart had turned evil. The other seven made war against him, war which lasted for thousands of years, as the inhabitants of the world lived their unaware lives down far below the watch of the Wise Ones. With the power of that all-conquering ring, the Seventh of the Council battled and raged on, unconquered by the other Seven, who had no power over the wielder of the sun-ring. The Council would surely one day defeat this traitor, but not until the Seventh did one final, vituperative deed.

Taking the name of Oisa, a more beautiful name than was deserving for such a treacherous creature, the Seventh of the Council knew he could use the creative power of the fiery ring, in one last effort, before he perished and became part of the four winds of the skies. Oisa had loved that fiery ring and had it encased in a large glass-like temple. A temple which had been built by the Council to glorify the Niphraim, the first of beings, of which the Land Beyond the Sun had come. There, the white-hot plasma rings of fire had been stored by the Niphraim, who decided that to entrust such a powerful life-force to imperfect beings would be too dangerous. The Niphraim alone had been involatile, perfect. They had given instructions to the Council of Eight on how to justly govern the world in its splendour. But now Oisa, having broken league with the Eight, accomplished one last deed of cruelty. He uncased the leaping fiery substance from its glass temple and hurled it down to scorch the world. It had not achieved the intended effect. The intended effect was that it bathe the world in flame and make it a brooding ground for evil. Instead, the a land of fire had been forged, a land of heat and blinding smoke and great pits of fire. Oisa, having surrendered the power he waged from the fiery ring, breathed his last breath of life into the land, creating the race of Iseultians, before the other seven of the Council finally conquered him, vaporizing his spirit and sprinkling his foul ashes upon the four winds.

The Iseultians lived, bred, and died in the fires of Iseultia, that accursed land formed in the dying moments of Oisa the treacherous. Yet the evil he intended never came into absolute fruition. The Iseultians were a mighty folk indeed, impervious to flame, nearly a cubit in stature, and with terrific eyesight. They were able to see through opaque matter for about a mile radius. The evil that Oisa had intended for the land of Iseultia had not seen the light of day. After all, the very fire Oisa had hurled down was not inherently evil. It was only evil as long as Oisa lived, a point he had overlooked. For that sacred fire had been forged by the Niphraim, in the Land Beyond the Sun. The Niphraim had forged it after their own nature: perfect and pure. Therefore, the Iseultians could make a choice. They could use their powers either for good or for evil. They were given a heart of fire, which they would wield their entire lives. They could use this heart to hurl rings of fire at their foes, or friends, whichever they chose. Many chose to stay in Iseultia. A few began to wander off into other lands, until the Land of Iseultia was eventually abandoned by the Iseultians, and the fires began to die down, as the power of its people waned. It was then that the Dark Times had begun, when the demon-like Baezha had besieged Iseultia and starved out the few remaining within its borders. The Baezha had killed the last of the Iseultians and occupied that land of fiery pits and volcanoes. However, the Baezha had not the power to keep those magical fires burning. Slowly, Iseultia turned into a land of ash and mud, wasted by the careless Baezha. The only Iseultians who remained were those wandering the four corners of the earth.

The reason the Baezha were able to occupy Iseultia lay to the fault of fickle and weak humanity. The strength and wisdom of men had failed. Greed and power caused so much fighting amongst men that they could not inhabit the same lands together. Mankind had been the glorious passion piece of the Niphraim, created as a peace-loving race. But the hearts of men, easily corrupted, allowed the Baezha to turn them against each other. In warring against the Baezha, men became overtaken themselves by the same greed and lust that that demonic race itself harbored. But the few men who had not been corrupted in those Dark Times banded together in search of a new land where they could start a new life. A land where they would be safe from the raping, pillaging, and murdering ways of the demonic Baezha, with their cruel fangs and spiked heads. They had found a grey flatland in the North, untouched by life experience, harboring only the Beulah plant, suitable for food. The more they ate, the more godlike they became and the more love was restored. And that was when the Beneficent had visited these peace-lovers and graced them with the magical valley of Odhrania, from which they took their name.

Nearly two ages after the eventual disappearance of the lilac-haired, angelic Beneficent, a stranger had appeared within the borders of Odhrania. A hooded Voor with a worn staff had hobbled into the valley. This mystified and intrigued the Odhranians, who had been told by the Beneficent that the magical valley was hidden from the rest of the corrupt world. This Voor, hobbling into the valley, bore strange news of the rest of the world. The Odhranians had never seen a Voor before, either. Voors were silent, strange creatures. There actual physical presence was never seen. It was only cloaked by a massive robe that covered their supposed bodies. They were giants, with only two burning green eyes that shown in the blackness underneath their grey hoods. This Voor told of a strange new use of the Light of Etouha by the Baezha. They were using it to conquer the wills and minds of all other races in the world. He told the Odhranians they were no longer safe. Their valley, though currently untouched, would soon be overtaken by the mysticism of the sullied Light of Etouha, employed by the Baezha. The last thing he did before he left was to pull from beneath his robe a young, screaming child. The child looked both entirely and unentirely human at once. The features were that of a man, but body shape was wavy and almost free-form. The skin of the infant was a dull yellow-orange. This child, the mysterious Voor claimed, was the last of the Iseultians, a group of creatures born of fire. His name was Aedan, “born of fire.” Leaving Aedan behind to be raised by the Odhranians, the Voor vanished from the valley.

Aedan had grown up under the constant care of the Odhranians. The valley, still beautiful enough and wonderful to inhabit, was at the same time waning from its former glory, unprotected by the presence of the Beneficent. Aedan had received a human upbringing, but became more and more unable to fit in the older he got. After 25 years of life under the nurturing gaze and watch of the Odhranians, Aedan had seen a vision. He had seen a lady robed in white, with hair so golden-blonde it outshined the sun. She came in the midst of clouds, parting the heavens, whispering a foreign language to him. He understood it in his heart. The lady in white told him he was destined to save the world from an onslaught of darkness, manifesting through the Baezha’s corruption of the Light of Etouha. The only salvation, she whispered, lay in the Pool of Uriah, in the Vanishing Lands of the south. “The only salvation, my child, lies in the Pool of Uriah.”

And hence had Aedan come. Through much tribulation he had come to the Vanishing Lands, which, according to legend, were only visible when the moon of Ruari showed itself 5 days out of the year. The Ruari moon showed a path through the Damned Forest, as it was called. The Damned Forest encircled the Vanishing Lands and had driven many a creature mad. Anyone in search of the elusive Vanishing Lands was lost in the Damned Forest forever, coming under its enchanted spell, doomed to wander aimlessly forever. Aedan, though, had been destined to find the lands and the Pool of Uriah. And after 10 years of searching and fighting the more evil races of creatures, namely the demonic Baezha, here he stood.

The Baezha were an omnipresent fiend who, collectively, were both laughably powerless and formidably dangerous. Their danger lay in their multitudinous nature. Their origin lay with the Iseultians. Much of the course of the world’s history had been dominated by the decisions made by those first Iseultians who roamed the ancient world, long before the Dark Times. After all, evil crystallized with Oisa’s rebellion in the Council of Eight’s sky realm of glorious palaces. His rebellion manifested on earth through the cruel hatred he poured into the sun-ring tossed down from above. Though that ring of fire had been lovingly and caringly crafted by the Niphraim to be an expression of purity and beauty, like the other fire rings beyond the sun, Oisa tainted, as it were, that bit of plasma he tossed down. After all, a substance can be the purest stuff in existence, but if a part of a wicked act, can become used by dark forces. This was Oisa’s dark triumph: throwing something sacred down in a fit of wickedness. The result was that the Iseultians had been allowed to either use their fiery hearts for good or for evil. Many who left Iseultia and procreated throughout the world were responsible for the creation of beautiful races of creatures and everything righteous in the free world.

But many of those first Iseultians became corrupt. Their ability to control fire and produce it from their breast was too great of a power for their imperfect hearts to handle. They formed wicked and vile magics that were stored in various locations, in natural habitats. They hurled great pillars of flame at all who opposed their self-serving conquest of the mysterious and far-reaching lands of the world. As they joined themselves with other creatures, other races were formed, evil races that knew nothing of art and music, of love and tenderness, of honor and glory. Races of creatures who could only destroy, not create. Creatures who ate ashes and dust, who drank blood to quench their lustful appetites. The basest of these, by far, were the Baezha.

One band of warlike and vile Iseultians had come into league with the a prophet of the Azekahn order. The Niphraim, upon taking the first virgin soil of the world in its infancy (ages had passed since the world lay in pristine splendour, unsullied by the tarnishing of history!), had made man and given the Council specific instructions on the growth of this race of beings. Man was the Niphraic passion piece, created from soil. Man would prove the slowest to reproduce, evolve, and develop, compared to the other more enlightened and superior races of creatures. Yet man was special to the Niphraim, in that he had always been meant to be a steady and undying breed. As other creatures interbred and became one with their environments, the slow and often weak humans remained unchanged, a curious source of constancy in a changing world. The Niphraim had given the Prophets special powers to use the many iron pools sprinkled throughout the world to communicate with each other and see the future. They were the wise ones, entrusted with guiding mankind. Many and divers orders of Prophets evolved, the Azekahn being the most respected and feared of all creatures.

It was a Prophet of the Azekahn order that was taken captive by a marauding score of Iseultian warriors, threatening to burn his tower of marble and stone to the ground. The Prophet Ilvus gave an audience to these Iseultians, who wished to be endowed with the foreknowledge of the Azekahn order. The Ilvus the Prophet knew better and was wiser than to give into such a threat, for the Prophet knew he had the power to stop an Iseultian onslaught. For not easily do the hairs of an Azekahn grey, nor are the works of an Azekahn so easily toppled. No, there was a temptation that persisted, something forbidden by the law of the Niphraim. The Azekahn were not to use their powers to lead other creature sinto battle. They were an order of advisors, not warriors. Yet Ilvus saw the mightiness of the Iseultians, and wondered. He wondered if, over the command of the Iseultians, he might overtake the rest of his order and become the mightiest of the Prophets. He therefore made an agreement with this Iseultian band. If they would tend to his tower and his garden and fields, Ilvus would spend however long it took to develop the magic necessary to endow the Iseultians with the foreknowledge of an Azekahn prophet.

For 100 years, Ilvus burrowed into the earth, his magical experiments destroying more and more of the landscape, as he grasped for the method necessary to transfer power to another race. When he came to the Deep Places, hidden knowledge that had been sprinkled in small bits by ancient wise ones at the world’s creation, he found the hidden magic he had sought for, and attempted to transfer his power of foreknowledge to the Iseultians. The magic was strong, but it yielded an effect not intended. This was sacred ability, not intended by the Council of Eight to be used for ill means. It has a reversing effect when used for ill-gotten gains. The Iseultians who had labored for Ilvus for so long were turned into a ghastly group of creatures with thin, maroon-tinted black skin covering a skinny body of scaled monstrosity. Horns jutted out of their heads in tormented shapes and at crazed angles. Their eyes were sunken back in their heads and their tongues lolled out of their sickly mouths. Claws for fingers and toes emerged and a visible black mist with a pungent odor filled the air when they croaked their vile words into existence. Ilvus, in disgust, exclaimed the strongest of curses in the Azekahn vocabulary, “Baezha!” And thus the Baezha were formed, who immediately slit the throat of Ilvus and drank his precious blood, blood that for a Prophet, was supposedly not able to be shed in vain. Only when a Prophet committed a vile act could his blood flow so freely, which had never been done before. And so the Baezha became a race of bloodthirsty savages, demonic creatures who quickly procreated and multiplied faster than any other creature that would ever come to inhabit the world.

The Baezha, this omnipresent fiend and epitome of evil, had constantly faced Aedan, born of fire, in his quest for the Pool of Uriah. The Baezha were a clumsy element at best, but the threat of them lay in their sheer vastness in number during an attack. They were also very silent creatures, enabling them to sneak up on an unsuspecting enemy with great ease. They survived through the consumption of ash, a mockery of their former glory in ages past, when as Iseultians, they had harnessed the power of fire. Now they must, their whole putrid existence, eat the ashes of fires long burnt out. The smell of the toxic excrement they left behind was poisonous to most races and would put the brain into a semi-intoxicated state. Some creatures had developed an immunity to the odor of Baezha waste. Iseultians for some reason had always been immune, a blessing for Aedan, born of fire, in his quest. The number of Baezha he had slain with lightning bolts of fire he had hurled from his breast! Oh, the songs that were written of Aedan, slayer of multitudes, multitudes of dastardly Baezha, a bastardly race of bloodthirsty demons who knew only one word: destroy. And since they had begun utilizing the Light of Etouha to control the minds and thoughts of the races of the free world, their destructive powers had become even more evil. And this was the very reason for Aedan’s quest. Onward to the Pool of Uriah he pressed, to discover the secrets of the Light of Etouha.

The Baezha in all their cruelty were only one small challenge faced by Aedan, born of fire, in his quest to the Vanishing Lands. Oh, the fortune these 10 years had brought Aedan, the young and valiant, the last of the purebred Iseultians, Lord of Fire, Wielder of the power of the Niphraim from the Land Beyond the Sun! Misfortune was a constant companion, as were the strange creatures and lands he encountered in his quest: the Leviathans of the Glass Sea in all its turquoise beauty, the giants of the Ercescus Flatlands, the seduction of the Daughters of Chaimecea in their great halls of crystal, the worshiping forest dwarves of Kozeh Mountain, the phantoms of the ancient kings on the Endless Stair to the Ilvus’ Deep, the endless reading of transgressions at the court of the King of the Isle of Scale-Covered Beasts, the battle of wits with the Sorcerer of Hrense Pass in the midst of the sea cliffs at the edge of the Hinder Sea (which empties into the Lake of the Nymphs), the alliance with the mountain monsters of the Black Mountains, scorched by years of fiery battles with the Dragon Sons and Daughters of the unholy union of the Anakims with the great winged goblins of the stone wastes of Ziz. Oh, the tales that could be told of Aedan, son of fire, wielder of flame!

And so a rich history lay dormant, lay silent, behind the Son of Fire. Eternity past was cheering him on at this instant, on this mystical night, foreseen of old by the first of the Prophets. A time when the strength of men would fail, and those born of fire would be undergo their final test. And tonight it would be the ancient Iseultian blood that would boil and Iseultian veins that would bulge at the tense opportunity that now lay shrouded in mystery. The Damned Forest behind him, Aedan, born of fire, gazed into the craterous lake before him, unsure of what this foul night would bring to life. As he stared into the iron-colored Pool of Uriah, suddenly his reflection disappeared. Before him was the piercing gaze of the lady in white, searching the eyes of the last of the Iseultians.

From James Campbell, Friend and Roomate

James brought up an important point that he surmised while reading Ephesians Chapter Five, which talks about a healthy relation between a husband and a wife. It talks about a woman leaving her house and cleaving to a man and becoming his wife.

Transition.

Jesus speaks of His church as both his body and bride. How does that make sense?! Well, when a woman marries a man, they become "one flesh." Well, if the bride of Christ is just that, Christ's wife, then that wife has become the very flesh (or "body") of Christ.

The Pursuit of God

I'm currently reading The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. It's a great book. At the end of Chapter 2, "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing," he has us pray this prayer:

Father, I want to know Thee, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Josh..."A.D.D."?!

WHAT?!

I'm tired of hearing all these modern day claims of people who have Attention Deficit Disorder. I didn't totally believe the syndrome even exists, but...

I was thinking to myself after I nodded off due to boredom in my WWII History lecture today. I told my friend Crystal afterward that I have so much trouble staying awake in that class, since it's after lunch. Her response was "you're always nodding off like that." Hmm. I started thinking about that.

I currently do have problems paying attention. In class, in church, in conversation with people. I tend to look from face to face, trying to focus on what everyone in a crowd of people are saying. "Hmm," I thought. "I must've developed this sometime in college. Let's see, this is depressing! Some one with my intelligence and potential unable any longer to focus on what is needful to succeed in society! Mmmm!!! Aaaah, no good, says I!"

I thought...

Must've happened last semester when I acquired a girlfriend. I became unable to focus in class, at times, thinking about how I love and miss her.
No, wait, that's not fair. Let's not make her that important (although she really is). Hmm, my entire sophomore year was plagued by that sort of problem. Must've been growing my hair out. That, combined with the beard...sure, right. That's logical.
No, I've got it! I remember. When I became a freshman in college, the opportunity for a social life expanded. Even back in the primordial days of Western Civilization, that beastly 6-hour Honors course...I had trouble paying attention during lecture and would have to ask for others' notes since mine were insufficient. I would have to go and read the textbook thoroughly for Microeconomics my freshman year to reteach myself what I missed in class.
Hmm...is that totally honest?! Shoot. Even in highschool...wait. Yeah, in Mrs. Treese's AP Chemistry as a high school junior, even. Pfft. The number of times I had to go home and look over stoichiometry rules that I somehow missed in class. No doubt, I was able to teach it to myself sufficiently so as to be the best in the class. But geez...did I wander off that much!? Yeah, I sure did.
Junior high...huh, the picture seems about the same. I even would sing praise and worship songs in my head in 8th grade earth science with Ms...Ms...um...Ragas, yeah.
5th grade, home school....um, I would hang upside down from my chair when mom was trying to review spelling words with me.
Okay, let's be brutally honest. I must have an attention problem. In first grade it got me into trouble almost. Ms. White's class, ah, I remember now!! Ha ha. The first day of class she spent HALF THE DAY explaining class policies and her little rewards system. I totally zoned out. When she told me to "go pull a bear from the wall" or something I just stared back at her in disbelief. "Rememeber what we talked about earlier?" "No, not really." Hmmm...

Gah! That frustrates me. Why can't I have a naturally good attention span. I don't know. If I could focus better, combined with my intelligence I could probably be a lot better at life than I am now. I could read my books faster, for sure. Oh well. It's ironic that I've still made great grades all my life with this problem. Shows that one can have a disorder and still work through it, press through it.

I'm learning to accept the deficiencies along with the talents I have and love my whole self. After all, God made me with the idiosyncracies I have, so I'm leaving it up to Him to overcome them and do something good. I'm learning to accept these things and work with the situation, with who I am. As my friend Christine's song goes, "It's where I'm going."

A Dramatic Reversal

King's David's infamous episode with Bathsheba in II Samuel 11 and 12 comes as a shock. This Bible character, whom God speaks so highly of, takes a ghastly turn for the worst when he impregnates another man's wife and then has him killed in battle to cover up his sin. And this is the "man after God's own heart," right?

Psalm 51 is his immediate response once He is confronted by the Nathan the prophet of His sin. He utters some intriguing statements:
1. "Against Thee, Thee only have I sinned and done this evil in thy sight[!]"
2. "I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me."
3. "Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me[!]"
4. "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and restore a right spirit within me."
5. "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and uphold me with thy free spirit."

...1. When one repents to God, there is more than mere regret. "I'm sorry" and "I repent" are not the same thing. I may be sorrowful simply that I got caught or was reprimanded for an action without actually wanting to change and admitting that I have committed an offense against God. Repentance involves a change of heart, a redirecting of one's self back to Christ.

...2. When I committed that particular act, I must totally stare it in the face, in all its ghastliness and admit that I alone was responsible. No "if's," "and's", or "but's". No excuses. I was totally vile when I sinned and acted upon my own wicked intents and desires. Do I admit these things for the purpose of self-flagellation and condemnation? No. Not out of condemnation, but out of conviction. The power of the blood of Christ is indeed more than enough to cleanse me. But that glorious and sacred redemption is not to be taken lightly. I believe it is only achieved once we totally are honest and admit our wrongdoing. I John 1:8-10 has a lot to say about this, along the lines of If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us...if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us... Indeed, God can and will remove our sins far from us, as far as the East is from the West, throw our sins into the sea of forgetfulness, etc. But we must first totally own our sins, before He totally, once and for all, destroys their power. For, He who knew no sin, becamse sin for us.

...3. I am inherently flawed. Society has not initiated my moral destruction, proved the bane of my existence, or corrupted my naturally good self. I have no naturally good self. I slid out of my mother's birth canal, already cheated. Cheated by death, born already damned, lost. I am offered mercy by the God who loves me. I was talking to a friend recently. We discussed the issue, "how could I serve a God who will condemn me if I live my whole life the best I know how, but miss that one point?! [Accepting Jesus as Savior]" I think "the best I know how" is a ironic. Truly, we are held accountable for what we know. At the same time, what we think is best...how can we be sure it is meeting some absolute moral standard properly? What if my best isn't good enough? What if, even my good works toward others, lose their inherent "goodness" through several possible pitfalls: My good works are to make me feel better about myself. Sure, I might be an altruist. But altruism includes one's self. Even the greatest moment of charity contains the thought in the back of the mind, that splinter in the brain: "this is making me feel good about myself. I am being fulfilled as a person by giving to the needy. This must make me alright." This is selfish. I find that even our charity is laced with the survival instinct, with self-preservation. What about a person who is charitable because of his or her religion? Even then, are they not, for example, giving to the poor because they god purpotedly being served through this charity is pleased and will make life easier for him / her or perhaps reward him / her in eternity or...
Coming back. Good works. We cannot do anything good. Not in our own strength. Good is not inherent to us. I find that if indeed there is a God above who has set moral laws and standards to govern his universe, it is He who defines what uprightness is. Therefore, I don't have a knowledge of good on my own. I know what is righteous and what is evil by the law He has created. I am not saved by this law, but I have knowledge and awareness of my sin by it.
Furthermore, because I don't have an understanding of what is good based on some human system of law and governance, I am not able to live my life in a "good" or righteous way. "Doing the best I can" is abominable at best, when our human species has no synthetic law governing good and evil. "The best I can" is more likely to reveal "the vastness I can't".

~TRANSITION~

It may seem I'm being negative or pessimistic. I have told a couple of people recently something that may seem contrary to the nature my friends surmise of me. I have lost my faith in humanity.

I have lost my faith in humanity. There was a time when I took friendship personally. When I took my relations with people personally. If I held them in high esteem, I often set myself up for failure. They would so something contrary to the good nature I ascribed to them, and this would shatter my world. An immoral act by a respected leader, a negligence to care by a friend, a reversal of creed by a person of concrete thought and action. People break down. Their good intentions, their loves, their emotions...don't get me wrong. There are intense moments of wonder and mighty deeds that I see in my fellow human beings. But ultimately, the painful sorrow of failure rings louder than the few moments we do get things right.

I think chiefly of interpersonal communication. For all our purported social adeptness, we are fairly terrible at conflict resolution. One person doesn't have the inherent ability to settle a conflict. Someone gets an entire education to become an arbitrator, or a mediator to help people who can't logically or emotionally or in any way resolve their conflicts otherwise. 10 million people died in the 1910's because of World War I, a conflict that resulted from seemed to be peace. (And what a pseudo-peace it was!) A war started because of alliances. A la The Triple Entente: France, Britain, and Russia. When one declared war on The Triple Alliance (Germany, Austria-Hungary and Italy), the others followed suit. How about that. Eh? Don't you love it dearly and tenderly? An alliance. Something that should move us in the direction of peace. Yet these nations had to do the exact opposite. Make war, not love...because of alliances. Oh the horror of interpersonal communication!...governed by interpersonal jealousy, interpersonal accusation, interpersonal suspicion.

Whenever I connect with someone in conversation, it feels like such a God moment to me. That in spite of our terrible abilities to communicate effectively (even with such modern innovations as text messaging, instant messenging and the like) I am able to really love someone through a good, soul-to-soul conversation...this is intriguing to me. And it points me heavenward, realizing some sort of Providence must have graced the two of us to be able to understand each other and effectively communicate to each other.

Getting back to the general concept of lost faith in humanity. I find myself not wanting to get to know people more. It's dangerous being allowed into someone's circle of trust. You learn things about them that may make you not like them as much. When we are judgmental of friends, it's bad, but not that bad. It's understandable, I mean. Because we are often judging out of hurt and lost hope. We had this idyllic image of this friend, this hero, this loved one, and a failure on their part shatters the angelic halo we placed over their head. This is why idols are dangerous. By our setting them up as such, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

I think, though, that humanity is made wonderful. "Rome was not loved because she was beautiful, but she was beautiful because she was loved." God, flowing through and in us, makes our interpersonal communication beautiful. He makes us a beautiful race and species of beings. In other words, in losing faith in humanity, I have lost. But what I have lost finitely, I have gained infinitely.

My brain keeps me from God. The breakdown in logic. How, why, who...God, what? Romans 8:7: "the carnal mind is the enemey of God. It is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can it be." It is when I accept something illogical that everything becomes logical. It is so much easier to believe in God than to not believe. Once I take that step and trust His love and believe that He is a Being interested in directly influencing and taking part in the affairs of mankind, His creation, everything becomes logical. Because I see how all these random things are somehow immediately and gloriously connected. I see how a good conversation, a budding flower, a hellaciously hot Sahara desert, claustrophobia, imagniary numbers, and sex...all have a common connection. They're not all random blips in the matrix, lottery numbers being drawn, random subparts of this thing we call existence. I realize they're all God things: they all are in part what He is in whole. They are 1:infinity scale represenations of deeper truths He tries to reveal. And doesn't that make sense? That God would try and reveal the real, spiritual world by natural things to his natural, earthly, human creation?. And reveal is exactly what He wants to do. He's not imposing upon us by making us either serve Him or be damned. Basically, it's a "you don't know what you're missing thing." You know, how they always talk about sexual intercourse.

He offers us infinite life. Our temporal happiness is crap. It's temporal! Tragically, we are content doing "the best that we can" as "decent people" and we don't understand our terminology is wrong. We don't have life. We have a hybrid form derived from original sin in the Garden of Eden. A hybrid form that lacks any real meaning or purpose, which is only found in the Maker. By serving the Maker, we discover that purpose (Jeremiah 1:4ff) and life becomes meaningful. So God certainly isn't "mean" or "vindictive" by leaving us no other real, acceptable option than coming into a purposeful, meaningful, and fulfilling life.

...4. The only thing we have to offer in exchange for this life of total self-actualization is our selves. We have to give up our flighty, fickle, foundering hearts in exchange for a new heart. "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." People speak with much respect for the "heart," the seat of emotion and deep desire within us. And they should do so, that is, to treat the heart with respect. It is a weighty part of the being. Of course, you have the prophet Jeremiah, who informs us that the human heart is desperately wicked and deceitful above all things...who can know it? C.S. Lewis addresses the notion of sins in the "heat of the moment." We often excuse ourselves for moments of sinful passion. "I used the f-bomb because I was caught off guard; I wasn't expecting to stub my toe!" "I pulled my pants off and started grinding on my girlfriend because...she came at me!" "I laughed along with everyone else at that outcast kid who lives down the street because I was caught off guard...I laughed as a reaction to everyone else's laughter." Mr. Lewis affirms, though, that what we do when we have no time to pre-evaluate ofr actions: this is what most defines us. This is what says the most about what is in our hearts. We have no time to "fluff up" the nicer aspects of our being. We "let it all hang out." And this shows that what is in our hearts is not as lovely as what we would like to think is naturally there. We can become cleansed...by a Force external to us, though. We are altogether proud; we think must more highly of our pitiful selves than in deserving. This is not an excuse to a self pity party, friend. It is a reality check. Only when we have completely lost false hope in what has always been hopeless can we have a restored hope in what really works, what really counts, what really matters. A New Hope. I can hear the Star Wars theme music playing...A restored hope...

...5. "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation." When we sin, our fellowship with God is broken. We are cut off from precious communion with our Friend, Christ Jesus. Repentance implies and insinuates an act of restoration. John the Baptist in Matthew 3:8 commands the people to "bring therefore fruits [or works] meet for repentance." Not that we are forgiven by our works, but that these works will be an evidence of our repentance, our turning around and going back to the level from whence we have fallen. A restoration. A restoration of joy, no less!

Hullo! God is all about joy! You know?! That's what it boils down to. He wants us to accept Him...to repent...to be restored, so that we can rejoice in the sheer beauty of Who He Is and What He has done for us!

Let us consider the full ramifications of what has occurred in this falling from grace and eventually somehow making it back.

What a triumph Satan achieved in causing mankind to reject eternal, perfect life on earth under God's nurturing care. Certainly, the outcome looked awfully grim and irreparable. But to think that through such a loophole as there being a perfect human version of God...Jesus Christ incarnate...to offer his blood as the remission for our sins...! Oh what a glorious coup, that the Father of All Lies has been displaced by the True King of the Universe, He Who is outside of time and space! What a dramatic reversal, that what was meant by the Dark Lord and all his evil conjurings to be the downfall of an entire species...has become the most victorious melodramatic climax of any tale told within or without history! Through the fall of man, we have been afforded the opportunity...the once in a lifetime...to experience a coming back from the brink of total damnation and destruction! We win! At the last vital second, we are gloriously redeemed! Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out! [Romans 11:33]

And we are invited into the fellowship of the mystery...

The Semester So Far

Alright, alright. I've been putting this off for some time. I'll go ahead and do a real update. I haven't *really* posted since before the fall semester of classes started.

A little over two weeks ago, I moved back into East Laville, the 3-person room. James Campbell and Jean-Francois ("Jeff" -- from Belgium) are my roomates. So far, 3 people in one room is best described as: too much, fun, overall more space efficient, boisterous, a hassle, adventurous, doable, classy. We had lots of start up events with Chi Alpha the week before class started. That's going well, incidentally. Matt Davis and I, who are co-leaders, had our first lifegroup this past Wednesday. It went quite well...I'm really excited about the people God is drawing into Chi Alpha this year. They're all so hungry for the voice of God!

I'm taking the following courses: Econ 2035 (Money, Banking, and Financial Markets), Business Law 3201 (Business Law), Acct 3021 (Intermediate Accounting II), Acct 3121 (Cost Accounting), and Hist 4130 (WWII History). 15 hours of class, all fairly enjoyable so far. The word in my spirit is "balance" this semester: God at the center, lots of devotional time with him, fruitful friendships and social life, lots of exercise, academic excellence, etc. Still working in the Department of ISDS during the week. As non-engaging as ever.

Looking back at my first half of college, now that I'm a junior, the thing I have appreciated most about my time spent at LSU is the investment in friendships. People are so amazing. I have already met several new people that have challenged me so much as a person and whom I have challenged as well. That's what I treasure most: learning so much from other people. The technical information I have learned that will help me in my career is vital, yes, but there is so much else going on. There is a huge moral and psychological and social (all in one!) formation that is going on in our lives. I was talking to my friend Stacy who explained to me a premise that it's not being in college, specifically, that dictates this, but, rather the biological age we are at. One sociological/anthropological research figure did research in an "uncivilized / undeveloped" island and discovered that people around the age of twenty have a certain social need that is inherent, without any sort of educational system. We're at an age where we're making what is, for most of us, the final decision on what we like. The kind of people we like, school of thought we subscribe to, the kind of people we want to surround ourselves with, the activity we want to spend the rest of our lives doing to earn a living, the person we want to marry, the values we treasure, et-cetera. This requires constant exchange of ideas both in and out of class, with the old and the young. This is why we never sleep. We are constantly feeling the need to associate with other people, to exchange ideas, feelings, affection, anger, information, recreational pursuits, love, concerns, etc. I have never clung to people so tightly in my life. I mean, I have always been an independent person. I have metamorphosed into this person who loves people so much and wants to be around people all the time. Sometimes I am the only voice heard in a room for an hour, I have so much to share. Sometimes, I will sit quietly for 2 hours absorbing the intimate thoughts of a friend. And also, I have never been so needed by people before. I have never been trusted by so many people before. Friends who come to me and bare their hearts, telling me they know I'm trustworthy and asking advice.

I am so weird. My whole life I have felt like I know what it's like to see Josh Clayton in operation. It's like I'm always sitting there watching myself, watching my every move, being like, "Why is that Josh Clayton guy doing that? What the...who the....is he crazy? Wow, that's a terrible idea! That, on the other hand, is really smooth!" I watch myself advising other people. I watched myself fall in love with Amanda. I watch myself sit quietly during a lecture trying to absorb the passion a professor has for his lecture material. I watch myself in a group at a table at dinner trying to let everyone know exactly what I mean, explaining it over and over again, to make sure the language is coherent enough to paint a vivid picture of exactly what Josh is seeing. I think it is an over self-awareness. In any case, it's a wild ride.

I have learned the difference between a friend and a companion. I have many companions but few friends. I have companions that I do the most stuff with on a day-to-day basis. I do everything with them. But some of them are not close friends. The close friends are the ones I can bare my soul to. Certain people I just have a certain connection with. For example, my friend Patrick Holly...one I lost to marriage and law school. I hardly ever see him any more, yet whenever I see him, it's like we pick up the last conversation we had ages ago. Because that friendship level is that close. That is one thing I treasure about the romantic relationship I'm in. It's been romantic, yes,...but it's been more like a best friendship, especially since it's been long distance for so long. But that makes me happy knowing that I started out focused on what's important: the friendship element. It makes me realize how easy and appreciated the companionship aspect will be once I get married. Maybe that's what seems so weird and yet normal to me at the same time about my friends' dating relationships. Their romantic relationships are more companionship-oriented. They're not as desperate for each other and for each other's friendship, because they can be in each other's presence constantly.

Okay, so this post hasn't really been about the semester so far, so much, as the thoughts I've been having today. If only I wrote down the thoughts I had every day, this blog would be so much better, but I just don't have time to post my daily thoughts.

I found a picture from the vaulted archives that I figured I'd post right quick before anyone else can object...

My Top 10

This was easier than I thought. These are my top 10 favorite songs of all time. They've been played over and over again. Especially Numbers 1 and 4.

1. "Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen," Anberlin
2. "Shekina," Blindside
3. "Clocks," Coldplay
4. "History Maker," Delirious?
5. "She Cries," EastWest
6. "Take Me Out," Franz Ferdinand
7. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," U2
8. "I Aspire," Hangnail
9. "Landslide," Seven Places
10."The Shadow Proves the Sunshine," Switchfoot