7

I wasn't going to do this, but 2 people have suggested I do it, so let's see if you, the readership, enjoy this. Made me think, anyway. (Always a rarity.)

SEVEN....

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. Marriage
2. Learn to play piano
3. Tour of the United Kingdom
4. Go skiing
5. Give at least a year in international missions
6. Be a father
7. Write a book

THINGS I CANNOT DO

1. Be brief in oral communication
2. Give or receive directions in an optimal fashion
3. Be passive about likes or dislikes
4. (Rarely) Sleep before midnight
5. Accept one word answers as sufficient
6. Skate
7. Talk at dinner without putting my eating utensil(s) down

THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN

1. "In all honesty..."
2. "I just think that..."
3. "Geez!"
4. "Good night!"
5. "Love, peace, and a pan of grease"
6. "Thank you Jesus!"
7. "Amanda..."

SEVEN BOOKS I LOVE

1. "The Bible," God
2. "Band of Brothers," Stephen E. Ambrose
3. "1984," George Orwell
4. "Augustine's Confessions," Saint Augustine
5. "To Kill a Mockingbird," Harper Lee
6. "Guys from Space," Daniel Pinkwater (A childhood favorite: a kid visits Mars and drinks root beer floats, etc.)
7. "Voyage of the Dawn Treader," C.S. Lewis

SEVEN MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER

1. "Gladiator"
2. "A Beautiful Mind"
3. "Saving Private Ryan"
4. "The Shawshank Redemption"
5. "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail"
6. "Empire of the Sun"
7. "The Matrix"

SEVEN PEOPLE TO DO THIS NEXT:

1. Zeke Brewer
2. Jenn Gabrail
3. Becky Callaway
4. Isaac Phillips
5. Clare Martin
6. Shivaana Ramrattan
7. Cody Berry

Magic

Amanda and I had our first date last night. At the risk of sounding "twitterpated" again, it was magical.

Holiday Musings

On Finishing the Race

I did something crazy tonight. The temperature was in the lower 30 degrees Fahrenheit (zero degrees Centigrade), and I decided to go for a run. I ran a little over 3 miles through the dark and mysterious neighboring neigborhood known as "Magnolia Forest." As I was running, my thoughts crystallized around the end of my run. I started thinking about the mystical "finish line," with regard to running races. One has to maintain a fine line between thinking and not thinking about finishing the race. Surely, one must be conscious of the fact that there is an end to the present physical exertion. The notion of endless sweating and heavy breathing worsens the tired effects on the body. Even if it's just a thought in the back of my mind, I have to at least know that there is a goal, a "finish line," something this run is leading toward, an ultimate end. And yet, I find that dwelling too much upon the end is unhealthy for the mind. If I think about the end of the run too much, I may find myself doubting if I'll even reach the finish line. I may become complacent and slow down to a jog. So is thinking about "the end" a positive or a negative thing?

More broadly, for a Christian, heaven is the "finish line." If I think about heaven too much, this may prove unhealthy. I will relieve myself of the necessity of serving Christ right NOW while I am still upon earth. I will so overexaggerate my present desire for heaven that I will miss out on the work God has for me to do now. On the other hand, God intended for us to know there is an ultimate glorious end of our lives, an end to the daily suffering and pain we incur. Christ promised a road full of suffering, but also that "the sufferings of this present world are not to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8). I have to keep heaven in the back of my mind, in my subconscious, to give value to my sacrifice in this present life.

So where is the balance? Perhaps I'm asking the wrong question. The question is not "what" but it is rather "who". When I run a race, am I running just to cross the tape at the end? Some would say that simply finishing is sufficient. But these same people must at least admit to the fact that if they run a race, no matter how badly they perceive their running ability, there is a glimmer of hope that maybe they will perform well in the race. Surely, the finish line is a good goal and motivation, but a motivation is not the same thing as an objective. A motivation helps me reach an objective. When I live my Christian life, am I living it just to get to heaven? No. Surely, heaven is a motivation, a wonderful reward. But serving Christ is just that. I'm serving Jesus, not the heaven he formed.

I find that we are much to concerned with rewards in the form of trophies and accolades in our Christian walk. We are supposed to be concerned about the reward of knowing Jesus. Let that be enough.

On Forgiveness

I just finished The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis. He makes some interesting points about forgiveness in one of the final chapters. Often times when we have done a fellow human being wrong and ask forgiveness from him or her, we are not really sorry or repentant. Our repentance is more an "I beg your pardon" than an admission of wrongdoing. We enjoy a good rationalization. We may say we're sorry for a wrongdoing but in the back of our mind, we feel we had a reasonable excuse. We had a just cause. There were mitigating factors. The circumstances were beyond our control.

So, we don't actually take responsibility for our negative actions. We pretend to do this, while in the back of our minds, we maintain an excuse for why we did what we did. It's even worse when we do this to God. We make a form of repentance by telling Him we're sorry. There is usually a "but!..." though. We leave God's presence thinking we've repented, feeling good about ourselves for only half-addressing our sin. Repentance is not excusing our sins, but, rather, staring it full in the face and owning it. To be forgiven, we must first see and understand the implications of our wickedness. There is no other way. Christ can only totally throw away our sins if we totally release them. And if we're making excuses for our sins, we most certainly have not released them. I John 1:8-10: "⁸If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. ⁹If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."

On the Notion that "Love is Blindness"

Love is blindness. Well, that sounds poetic enough, but I think it is silly. If you say that love is blindness, you have to agree with the statement that, "Love cannot identify any characteristics of the person being loved." This degrades love, making it weak. I think that love is actually so powerfully all-seeing that it renders two people who are in love completely vulnerable to each other.

Before I bring in a scripture reference again, let me give a concrete example. It involves the beautiful young woman and I mentioned in 2 posts before this one. In the course of a discussion we shared recently, we discovered that each of us loves the other so much because we are able to love the whole person, idiosyncracies and all. For example, she is a gigglebox, and I over-analyze everything, tending to ramble on. The fact that we love each other isn't an indication that we are so "blinded" by love that we can't see the odd qualities in each other. It, rather, stems from seeing the entire person and loving every bit, even the strange bits. Maybe especially the strange (and fascinating) bits. Though we can both talk a person to death, the most enjoyable moments we've shared have been simply gazing into each other's eyes, realizing words are unnecessary. The simple awareness of loving...and being loved in return.

Is this not how our Lord has loved us? "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (can't recall the reference). Jesus didn't wait for us to shape up or "get spiritual" before he started throwing darts of love our way. What makes the love so "dart-like," so piercing, is that we have not deserved it. And we are loved by Him...completely and unreservedly. Surely Christ's love sees all. His love is by no stretch of the imagination "blind." His gaze penetrates to our deepest, darkest sin...and into the beautiful parts of our regenerated soul, as well. And He loves us with the whole panarama in view. Only, he loves us enough to want to change the dark parts of our lives. It takes a true friend to be honest and confront a problem in another friend's life. And this is what Christ has done: loved us enough to confront our problems and make us better.

Yet, even in Christ sacrificing Himself, this love is mysterious. Jesus loved without expecting any love in return. He simply offered Himself and said that whomsoever will should come.

Think about that this Christmas. Even in buying presents for our relatives, are we not expecting to receive presents from them, in return? Oh, admit it. Our love is not yet like Christ's. We expect something in return. When you're done reading through the usual Luke Chapter 2 Christmas passage this year, take a look at the essence of this year's celebration: Isaiah 53.

A Pleasant Surprise

For your information, I pulled off straight A's somehow this semester. THAT was definitely the mercy of God.

And now I'm home. There's no place like hoooome for the holidays....

I AM IN LOVE

Okay, so I'm going to stop with all the mystery. Everyone has been asking me if I'm feeling okay. A few of you have suspected more.

For the first time in my life, I am in love. Her name is Amanda Marie Mautz.

So, your suspicions have been correct. And as to whether or not I'm feeling okay...oh, yes, quite good. I'm awake, it's 5:30 a.m., and I can't sleep. I've had 2 all-nighters this week, need to "wake up" to study in a few hours, but I am so adrenalized...

I have totally thrown out every notion I thought about love. I thought I had it bottled up and figured out. You see, I thought I was the big "logician" and that I'd figured out how it would happen and that'd I be able to control it. What a dork I was. Love, controllable, logical? Heh. All I can tell you right now is that she is the most amazing, beautiful, fascinating girl I have ever met in my entire life. I could ramble on and on for quite some time, but I'll just say stay tuned...One thing I have learned is that love is not convenient. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Final Exam Super Cool Madness 05, Oh Yeah!

More Snowball Photos

These photos all courtesy of Amanda Mautz.

XA Snowball

I'm getting pretty good at this online photo theft thing. Just go to someone's "Facebook" profile and save the pictures they took. Um, thanks to anyone who I ripped off, if you end up reading this...I'll get a camera by the time I'm 82.

So here's a few snapshots into Chi Alpha's annual Christmas ball. Great food, great friends, great dancing (though not from me, I'm afraid / I try), great review of the year, great outfits, great music, ...and everyone is smiling. Part of me would say that I hate formal events because they force us to wear masks, hiding our true feelings. Then there's a voice inside reminding me, this is how it's supposed to be any way. God intended us to be happy 100% of the time, but we screwed that up by disobeying his mandate in the Garden of Eden. So, I like looking at pictures, and I hope you enjoy browsing them. Although, Scott Leger would condemn me. "For," he says, "whenever a man takes a picture, he loses part of his soul." Cheers.

Hair Under Fire: A Hair Affair

So, yeah. I'm just finishing up a 7-day weekend, my longest ever. And what moron called this "dead week"?

So, since I don't feel like there's much newsworthy news or esoteric thoughts or funny pictures to post on my blog, let's talk about what everyone wants to talk about.

This culminates with the lovely ladies known as the Fantastic Four last night telling me for the second time, I need a "manly" haircuit. They are not the first, and they won't be the last. So, since that what everyone wants to talk about...feel free to talk about it in the comments section.

cheers,
your furry little,
bean

actually beans don't have fur and i'm no exception so just kidding
el fin

The Vanity of Humanity

This is a continuation of my last post. This is the kind of stuff I did all weekend. Thanks to Amanda's camera/remote control thing.


Me, my mouth and I.

Amanda Mautz and Zeke Brewer. Okay, the three characters have been named, figure out the rest for yourself.

To Friends

Last night was fun. I learned to play ultimate frisbee, talked about elementary school with Jonathan Knight, jumped into scary boxes near the humongous Christmas tree near the clock tower, got pushed down the Indian mounds, twirled in circles on the rope swing, watched Romeo and Juliet scream at each other, listened to good live music, and killed my friends in a video game. (Actually, I was more killed by them.) Thank you, my friends.

Confessions of a Wise Fool

I am a college sophomore (for any British readers, I am a university sophomore). Literally, then, I am a "wise fool."

sophomore-1688, "student in the second year of university study," lit. "arguer," altered from sophumer (1653, from sophume, archaic variant form of sophism), probably by influence of folk etymology derivation from Gk. sophos "wise" + moros "foolish, dull." Short form soph is attested from 1778. Sophomoric "characteristic of a sophomore" (regarded as self-assured and opinionated but crude and immature) is attested from 1837.

-Taken from The Online Etymology Dictionary

It seems like before I came to college, everyone was warning me that it is the freshman year one is most likely to drop out or suffer academic failure. Not I. I made straight A's my whole first year at LSU. You see, I am what is known as an "over-achiever."

I have never made anything less than an "A" on a "report card" or "semester grade report" before. My whole life. All A's. I look back and realize why I might have been perceived as anti-social in high school. I was just that. It's not that I didn't want to be social. It's just that studying was my life. I took divers gifted and honors courses that my work ethic demanded I also get an "A" in. Many nights of very little sleep. Nights my friends I'm sure were movie-watching and playing Halo (I didn't discover Halo till a few weeks ago). I did sometimes procrastinate. I'll never forget reading My Antonia in one night and The Last of the Mohicans in one weekend and Tess of the d'Urbervilles in one weekend. And staying up till 2 am memorizing terms and possible essay answers to Mrs. Enmon's history tests. And pulling what may have been my first all-nighter my senior year of high school building a balsa-wood tower for physics. And staying up all night in 10th grade to write my term paper, note cards scattered all over my bedroom floor. (Actually I got 20 minutes of sleep that night. I went to bed at 5:40 and woke up at 6:00 a.m., and it felt like I'd slept a whole night in that 20 minutes.) That was a great term paper, too: "The History of the Royal Air Force in Great Britain During World War II." I remember getting lost in the research for that project, going to the University of New Orleans library and drooling over journal after journal of military history. Even better was the following year's term paper: "The Khe Sanh Siege." I got so lost in writing that baby, it was scary. I went to sleep at night, thinking how the various connections of my report on the Vietnam Conflict's greatest siege would come together. Of course that was the year of Ms. Schroeder. I was taking English III as a sophomore, when a normal kid would have been taking English II. I truly developed a love of good literature in that class. I could go on and on about spending all night doing Excel documents for Algebra II studies about drugs in Mr. Ballantyne's class. The list goes on and on...

So basically, I thoroughly explored academic success. I was the valedictorian, gave a commencement speech, all that jazz.

I continued with that momentum into college, but I quickly realized something. I've explored the world of academia, and lived the contemplative life, and in general, it sucked...big time. I'm not going to spend my whole college career slumped over textbooks. I will be well-balanced. I will become more social.

Time would tell, I never really was anti-social. It was just that I had stifled my social side. Enter college, the loosening up of me, the discovery of laughter on a regular basis, departing from my youthful days of 'the serious child'.

Now, strangely enough, I am known as an out-of-control social butterfly who will put down his fork at dinner and talk endlessly without being prompted to continue eating, "PLEASE!" I am known as "Bean," a slightly-crazy, live-on-the-edge type guy, someone as unpredictable as the dinner menu at Highland Dining Hall.

Enter today, the 2nd of December, the Year of Our Lord 2005. I awake at 11:45 a.m. I have slept through a Chemistry quiz. The night before after Chi Alpha, I had taken dance lessons with several people in preparation for next week's Snow Ball, gone to Scott's apartment to watch movies and laugh and hang out with people all night...till 4 a.m. Of course, I knew I had a quiz today, so I studied from 4 a.m. till 6 a.m. Ironically, the studying I did early this morning was for naught, as I slept through the quiz. In this same class, I am now hoping for a "B."

This will be my first "B" ever in a class. We're talking, since Kindergarten. This seems comparable to losing virginity or getting drunk for the first time (though neither of these has ever happened). And honestly, it's due to sleeping through too many classes. Due to too many movies, too much laughter with friends, too much staying up late, too much...helping other people out, even.

So, I see the link here. When I didn't have many friends in high school, I did well academically. But I hated my life. Now, the Facebook would tell me I have 332 friends, though many of those are just "acquaintances" that I have met and there are many people not listed on the Facebook that are much closer to me than any "Facebook friend" could ever be. And now that I know a lot of people, I talk to a lot of people. And laugh with a lot of people. And love a lot of people. And ...well, I'm still making pretty good grades actually, probably only one "B" this semester. But...I enjoy my life more.

So where is the balance here? I feel like Solomon. Trying academia, trying friendship, trying laughter, trying sleeping a lot, trying sleeping a little, trying food, trying song. I haven't tried women or many of the low, sinful degrading things he tried, but I'm finding it is all "vanity of vanities" as Ecclesiastes says. Where the rubber hits the road, my academic success doesn't define me. Who my friends are doesn't define me. I'm starting to think that not even a person's interests define him/her. "God breathed into man, and man became a living soul." That is who I am. I am whoever God made me to be. The problem is discovering who exacly I am meant to be.

So this is where I'm at. I still value God above all else, and His call for my life. The problem is not knowing the natural path that correlates with the ultimate spiritual destination. I.e., what the heck am I going to do with this business degree I'm supposedly going to be receiving?! I never have been self-confident, but, dude, man, whoa, I feel my "bachelor eligibility" is suffering majorly here. When a girl asks, "so what are you going to do when you get out of college?", my answer is "i honestly don't have a clue." And that's the honest-to-God truth. I don't have a clue. I'm having a lot of fun in college. I'm leading a Bible study group...it's wonderful, we're all growing in our love of Jesus together. I'm meeting many wonderful people that are inspiring me. I'm learning a good deal academically, although now it looks like I need to balance that aspect out a little more. But I don't know where I'm going with all this. I get scared when I talk to people who've been in college for 5+ years. I mean, all of primary and secondary school was spent trying to get to college. I worked so hard in high school to get scholarships: which I now have: all my education paid for. But now that I'm HERE, ....

...i'm finding that a university is fun, but nothing esoteric. Compared to what I could be doing: starting my own business, being married and having kids, doing missionary work in some obscure location of the world...

...this is a bunch of crap.